The one thing women don''t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning
is their husband.
Joan Rivers
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary
to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn
You know you''re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying,
toys not included.
Bernard Manning
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department
store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Even before Christmas has said Hello, it''s saying ''Buy Buy''
Robert Paul
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present
remembered. What I don''t like about office Christmas parties is looking for
a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington,
D.C. This wasn''t for any religious reasons. They couldn''t find three wise men
and a virgin.
Jay Leno
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world,
and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children,
they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde
Don''t expect too much of Christmas Day. You can''t crowd into it any arrears
of unselfishness and kindliness that may have accrued during the past twelve
months.
Oren Arnold
Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you''re home.
Carol Nelson
He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
Roy L. Smith
People can''t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their
minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.
Ogden Nash
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. Richard Lamm