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How to Write Good

Humorous advice about how to perfect your witten English.

  1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  3. Employ the vernacular.
  4. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
  7. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  8. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  9. Contractions aren''t necessary.
  10. The adverb always follows the verb.
  11. One should never generalize.
  12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  13. Don''t be redundant; don''t use more words than necessary; it''s highly superfluous.
  14. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  15. Understatement is always best.
  16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  19. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  21. Be more or less specific.
  22. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  23. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  24. Don''t never use a double negation.
  25. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
  26. Do not put statements in the negative form.
  27. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  30. And don''t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  31. Don''t overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!
  32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
  33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they''re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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