| Hello! Thank you for calling. - If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone else to press 2 for you
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line so we can trace your call and persecute you.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic depressive, press whichever number you like, no-one will answer you.
- If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969696969696.
- If you have amnesia, press 8, followed by your date of birth, your social security number, home phone number, the square root of 1,555,666,777,888 and your
- tax code followed by the atomic number for Uranium.
- If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
- If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, for god's sake wait for the beep.
- If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
- If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
- If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
- If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
- If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
- If you have low self esteem, go away, no one can be bothered to talk to you anyway.
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