- After confirming everyone''s names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
- Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
- Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
- Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can''t hear you, you''ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
- Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
- If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
- Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
- Announce "you''ll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
- Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown''s "Sex Machine."
- Mention in passing that you''re wearing rubber underwear.
- Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
- Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
- Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
- Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
- After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
- Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
- Announce that last year''s students have almost finished their class projects.
- Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
- Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
- Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
- Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
- Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
- Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
- Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you''ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don''t use it.
- Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
